The Art Of The Earth Human Kismesis
by centreoftheselights
Summary: In which Karkat Vantas realises that there sort of is such a thing as human blackrom, and John is confused.    Or, Karkat and John watch Wicked and Death Note together, then Karkat watches Glee.
1. Wicked

Ffn doesn't do Homestuck formatting very well, so if anyone's having trouble reading this look for the AO3 version, which has the right colours for everyone's text.

* * *

><p>Dear John and Karkat,<p>

Please find enclosed two tickets to the opening night of Wicked, or, as John has taken to calling it, 'that play thing you keep talking about.' Kanaya and I sincerely hope you will make use of them to witness the stage debut of Kanaya's marvellous costumes.

Really It Is Only A Local Production And You Do Not Need To Come All This Way Just To See The Costumes But Rose Insists On Sending Everyone These And It Has Been Far Too Long Since We Last Met Up Anyway So Please Take This As An Open Invitation

Kanaya's modesty aside, I fully expect to see you both there, or you shall suffer the consequences.

Your loving friends,

Rose Lalonde

Kanaya Maryam

* * *

><p>"I Am So Glad You Could Come It Is So Nice To See You Karkat And You Too John I Am Afraid No One Else Was Able To Come At Such Short Notice And I –"<p>

"Kanaya, dear, everything is going to be fine. There's no need to babble. Dave and Terezi will be joining us tomorrow, and Jade and Gamzee have promised they'll be here as soon as they can catch a flight."

"FORGET THOSE IDIOTS, AT LEAST SOME OF YOUR FRIENDS HAD THE DECENCY TO DROP EVERYTHING FOR YOU. NOT THAT THERE WAS MUCH TO DROP AT EGBERT'S HOUSE."

"i'm really excited to finally see all these costumes rose keeps telling me about!"

"Yes Well I Think That Is What Is About To Happen Or So I Hope Assuming Nothing Goes Horribly Wrong."

"WHAT'S THIS PLAY ABOUT, ANYWAY?"

"It's based on the Wizard of Oz –"

"That Is The Human Equivalent Of 'In Which A Young Tealblood Is Transported From Her Lusus By Unnatural Meteorological Conditions, Accidentally Culls A Much-Feared Mutant –"

"I FUCKING HATED THAT MOVIE."

"karkat! keep your voice down or they'll kick us out. remember last time!"

"I DON'T CARE. THAT MOVIE WAS A STEAMING HEAP OF HEMOIST MOOBEASTSHIT."

"The Treatment Of Mutants Was Somewhat Cruel In The Human Version Also Although To A Lesser Degree Than The Alternian Version."

"However, this uneven treatment later inspired an author to repen the story from the viewpoint of the leading antagonist."

"wait! rose, is this whole musical just one big fanfic?"

"As the term is commonly defined, yes –"

"hahahaha-"

"But your implication is entirely false. No work is strictly original, after all. Wicked is in fact one of the most successful musicals of all time."

"hahaha-"

"EGBERT, I HOPE YOU REALISE THAT YOUR ABILITY TO LAUGH AT THINGS NO-ONE ELSE FINDS FUNNY IS ONE OF AT LEAST SIX HUNDRED AND EIGHTY THREE REASONS YOU ARE COMPLETELY INCAPABLE OF FINDING A MATESPRIT."

"ha."

"Oh My Goodness Its Time I Must Go I Have To Be Backstage To Help With Costume Changes."

"Good luck – not that you will need it, I'm sure."

"break a leg!"

"WHAT THE FUCK –"

"It's a theatrical tradition, Karkat. Although John, that phrase is customarily only offered to the actors. Now, I believe it is time for us to take our seats."

* * *

><p>Your name is John Egbert and you are about to watch this play thing which is apparently a fanfic except not? You don't really know. You don't care, either, because you're sat between Karkat and Rose and oh! the lights just went down. You'd better stop narrating and pay attention.<p>

Oh, wow, Kanaya really made that dress? She's amazing. You'll have to remember to tell her in the interval.

But right, the play.

* * *

><p>Your name is John Egbert and this play is actually pretty good!<p>

You know it's going to end badly, but right now it's really funny. The two girls who have to share a room are singing about how annoying each other is. You can relate to that! Karkat might be your best buddy, but he isn't the easiest person to room with.

Speaking of Karkat, he seems really wrapped up in this. Wait. Is he crying? Wow, he must be taking this really seriously.

He said earlier that the Troll Wizard Of Oz was about a mutant, so you guess maybe he feels bad for everyone bullying Elphaba? You've been teased about your glasses before, but maybe this is really getting to him? You should probably stop laughing. You don't want to be insensitive, or Rose will hit you.

But this song sure is hilarious!

* * *

><p>"There will now be a fifteen minute interval."<p>

"I should go and find Kanaya backstage. Do you two want anything from the foyer?"

"we're fine! tell kanaya her costumes were brilliant!"

"I will."

"wow, karkat! isn't this amazing! that last song was awesome! karkat... karkat, are you crying?"

"FUCK OFF."

"what's wrong?"

"IT'S JUST... UGH."

"tell me!"

"THAT WAS JUST A REALLY BEAUTIFUL QUADRANT FLIP, OKAY? FUCK, IGNORE ME, I'M SUCH A SAP WHEN IT COMES TO QUADRANT DRAMAS."

"okay. but, um... i'm not sure i know what you mean?"

"DO I HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT? FINE, I'M A NOOKSNIFFING MORON WHO RESPONDS TO THE SLIGHTEST HINT OF EMOTIONAL COMPLEXITY BY EXPELLING LARGE AMOUNTS OF GRIEF FLUID FROM MY OCULAR GLANDS LIKE A WRIGGLER WHOSE LUSUS TOOK AWAY HIS FAVOURITE CARCAS."

"bluh! you just make those things up to sound gross. and i _know_ you cry at romantic movies, silly! i just don't know what you mean by quadrant drama. this is a human musical, not a troll romcom!"

"OH COME ON. THEY WERE TEXTBOOK BLACKFLIRTING, AND THEY OUTRIGHT JUST DECLARED MOIRALLEGIANCE. EVEN TEREZI WOULD HAVE NOTICED THAT."

"karkat!"

"OH, FUCK YOU, I JUST MEANT SHE IGNORES EVERYTHING EXCEPT MURDERS AND JUSTICE. AND REALLY OBVIOUS QUADRANT FLIPS LIKE THAT ONE."

"Are You Two Enjoying The Performance?"

"it's great kanaya! but karkat –"

"KANAYA. THAT SONG. JEGUS, I..."

"I Know It Was Quite A Shock For Me Also."

"IT WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I'VE EVER FUCKING HEARD. HOW THE GLUBSPEAKING HORRORTERRORS DID A HUMAN WRITE THAT?"

"um..."

"John, it transpires that Alternian culture, though in many ways more developed than our own, never contained a musical interpretation of kismessisitude."

"IT'S A STUPID FUCKING IDEA, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT ACTUALLY WORKED. YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN BE ABLE TO WRITE A HATESONG THAT GOOD."

"I Had Hoped You Would Appreciate It As I Do."

"but... this is a human musical! it can't have quadrants in it!"

"John, surely even you noted the kismesisic overtones in Glina and Elphaba's initial interactions?"

"GLINDA ALL BUT FUCKING STATED HER PITY FOR ELPHABA AT THE DANCE, YOU IDIOT."

"The Timid Declaration Of Friendship Between The Two Is Strongly Reminiscent Of A Burgeoning Moirallegiance."

"but..."

"Human culture is hardly devoid of quadrant-like relationships. This play is simply one of the more obvious examples."

"WHOEVER WROTE THIS UNDERSTOOD QUADRANTS PERFECTLY. I CAN'T BELIEVE A HUMAN MANAGED TO WRITE THIS AND THERE ISN'T EVEN A TROLL EQUIVALENT."

"I Suspect If A Equivalent Once Existed It Would Have Been Banned For Pro Mutant Sympathies."

"OKAY. THAT EXPLAINS IT. NO WAY A TROLL DIDN'T WRITE THIS FIRST."

"I Must Be Going Now I Hope You Enjoy The Second Half."

"I'm sure we will."

* * *

><p>Your name is John Egbert and you aren't sure you really get this any more.<p>

You were enjoying the first act but you never noticed any quadrants? Well, you suppose that the two girls were arguing a lot at first and now they're friends and that's kind of what moirallegiance is but you still don't really see it.

You guess you still don't really understand troll romance?

But the second act is starting so you'll worry about this later.

* * *

><p>Your name is John Egbert and wow. That was really, really good.<p>

The end was so sad, though, and that duet they sang together made you really miss Dave and Jade which is silly when you'll see them both later this week! But somehow you wound up holding Rose's hand and also Karkat's and then you guess you maybe cried a little?

But it was also kind of beautiful?

* * *

><p>"So What Did You Think?"<p>

"Kanaya, that was, as I fully expected, utterly amazing."

"brilliant!"

"YOU ARE A GENIUS, LIKE YOU NEEDED ME TO TELL YOU THAT."

"Oh. And Did You Like The Play?"

"THAT WAS SUCH A FUCKING DISASTER IN THE BEST POSSIBLE WAY. I MEAN GLINDA WAS SO OBVIOUSLY FLUSHED FOR ELPHABA."

"That is a popular interpretation of the relationship."

"BUT AT THE SAME TIME THEY'RE CARRYING ON THIS BEAUTIFUL MOIRALLEGIANCE, AND THEN FIYERO IS..."

* * *

><p>Your name is John Egbert and you aren't entirely sure you understand what your friends are talking about. But that's okay! You get to come back tomorrow so Dave can see it, and again when Jade finally gets here.<p>

Man, you hope Dave cries at the end so you can tease him about it.

That would be wicked!


	2. Death Note

CG: IT'S BLATANTLY CLEAR TO EVERYONE THAT HE UNDERSTANDS QUADRANTS ABOUT AS MUCH AS I UNDERSTAND HIS OBSESSION WITH THE UNFATHOMABLE PLAGUE COMMONLY REFERRED TO AS NIC CAGE.

CG: BUT WHILE I AM SUBJECTED TO THAT FEARSOME EMOTIONLESS VISAGE ON A WEEKLY BASIS, THE FRUITS OF THE LABOURS OF A THOUSAND GENERATIONS OF TROLL ROMANCE WRITERS HAVE BEEN LOST TO THE HOLLOW MERCY OF PARADOX SPACE.

GG: you could write some new ones!

CG: HARLEY, THAT IS UNDOUBTEDLY THE WORST IDEA I HAVE EVER HEARD.

GG: :(

CG: I WOULD NOT DISGRACE THE GOOD NAME OF ROMCOMS BY ALLOWING IT TO BE ASSOCIATED IN ANY WAY WITH ME. THE WORLD WILL NEVER BE SULLIED BY MY PATHETIC SCRIBBLINGS BEING PUBLICLY EXPOSED.

GG: ...

GG: you have scribblings?

CG: BESIDES, IF EGBERT DOESN'T SEE A PERFECTLY OBVIOUS KISMESIS FLIRTATION LIKE THAT AFTER ALL THIS TIME, I NEED TO START WITH SOMETHING BASIC.

CG: I JUST WISH I COULD SHOW HIM THE CLASSICS.

CG: BUT I'M STUCK HERE WITHOUT SO MUCH AS A COPY OF 'IN WHICH A HIGHBLOODED YOUTH DISCOVERS A SUPERNATURALLY POWERED NOTEBOOK CAPABLE OF CULLING ANYONE WHOSE NAME, FACE AND BLOOD COLOUR ARE KNOWN AND EMBARKS UPON A PROLONGED AND EXCEEDINGLY COMPLICATED BLACK FLIRTATION WITH THE ANONYMOUS LEADER OF THE LEGISLATERATIVE TASKFORCE SEEKING HIM.'

CG: IT'S ONE OF THOSE CLASSIC TITLES EVEN WRIGGLERS RECOGNISED.

CG: I MEAN, IT'S SO OLD IT'S BARELY FORTY WORDS LONG.

CG: HARLEY?

GG: oh my god! :o

CG: SPEAKING.

CG: WELL TYPING, BUT LOOK, IT'S A FUCKING FIGURE OF SPEECH OKAY?

GG: quiet, fuckass! :)

GG: you're talking about death note!

CG: THAT IS THE INSCRIPTION ON THE TITULAR NOTEBOOK.

CG: ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME THAT HUMANS HAVE CANNIBALISED YET ANOTHER CLASSIC BUILDING BLOCK OF TROLL CULTURE AND SHAPED IT INTO A TWISTED MONSTROSITY UNRECOGNISABLE TO ANY WHO ONCE SAW THE INCOMPARABLE BEAUTY OF THE ALTERNIAN FORM?

GG: want me to send you the dvd?

CG: FUCK YES.

* * *

><p>"hey, do you know what jade's sent us in the mail – ow! karkat, my arm doesn't bend that way!"<p>

"SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND BEGIN PREPARING CORN-BASED SNACKS. WE'RE HAVING A MARATHON."

"you can't just drag me to the tv! i'm in the middle of -"

"FIRSTLY, WE ARE BOTH WELL AWARE THAT YOUR PLANS FOR TODAY CONSIST OF SEVERAL HOURS IN FRONT OF YOUR HUSKTOP FOLLOWED BY A MOVIE EVEN YOUR OWN CULTURE CONSIDERS APPALLING. THIS IS AN INTERVENTION AND YOU SHOULD BE THANKING ME. SECONDLY, HARLEY HAS SENT US A RESURRECTED STAPLE OF ALTERNIAN CINEMATOGRAPHY. WHILE IT WILL DOUBTLESS HAVE BEEN RUINED FROM PROLONGED CONTACT WITH THE SPECIES THAT PRODUCED THE ETERNAL HORROR OF 'GHOSTBUSTERS II', THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PIECE OF FILM YOU WILL WATCH IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. AND THIRDLY, DID I SAY THIS WAS FUCKING OPTIONAL? THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN, I AM JUST GRACIOUS ENOUGH TO GRANT YOU TEN MINUTES TO RETRIEVE STARCH BASED NUTRITIONAL SUBSTANCES BEFORE INITIATING YOUR SCHOOLFEEDING. YOU SHOULD CONSIDER YOURSELF INFINITELY FORTUNATE TO HAVE SUCH A CONSIDERATE FRIEND."

"hehe! popcorn's done already! what are we watching?"

"WHAT I HOLD IN MY HAND IS TROLL WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE'S GREATEST WORK, AND A SEMINAL PIECE ON THE TRUE NATURE OF KISMESIS."

"...is that an anime?"

"IT WAS ANIMATED IN THE ARCHAIC STYLE."

"i thought you said this was a film. why is it a box set?"

"IT ISN'T MY FAULT YOUR CULTURE IS SO BARBARIC THAT THEY BREAK EVEN A SHORT MEGAEPIC LIKE THIS ONE INTO SEGMENTS BARELY TWO HOURS LONG."

"how long is this?"

"IT'S AN ENDURANCE TRIAL. ANYONE CAUGHT SLEEPING IS CULLED."

"man, it sure was easy to get culled on alternia."

"EGBERT, THAT APPLIES TO TODAY AS WELL."

* * *

><p>Your name is John Egbert and your roommate seems really excited about this DVD. It's some kind of anime kismesis Shakespeare thing? You still don't see how troll romance is a thing in Earth culture, but weird things happen in the animes.<p>

You just hope this isn't going to be like when Karkat watched Titanic.

It's starting! Wow, this looks really weird... Karkat's glaring at you. Right, time to pay attention.

* * *

><p>"hey, he looks kind of like you!"<p>

"I WISH EVERYONE WOULD STOP TELLING ME THAT. JUST BECAUSE TWO PEOPLE HAPPEN TO HAVE CURLY HAIR AND GRAY SYMBOLS -"

"huh?"

"I FORGOT YOUR SPECIES DOESN'T EVEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO DISPLAY IDENTIFYING MARKS. IN THE TROLL VERSION, THE NOTEBOOK REQUIRES NAME, FACE, AND BLOOD COLOUR TO KILL, SO L REPLACES HIS SYMBOL WITH A GRAY L -"

"like your symbol! ha, that must have made you seem even more like him!"

"WELL THAT WAS KIND OF THE FUCKING POINT. I COULDN'T JUST WEAR A GRAY SYMBOL AND EXPECT NO-ONE TO NOTICE."

"...are you saying it was a cosplay?"

"NO, FUCK, I JUST – LOOK, IT HELPED THAT PEOPLE ASSUMED IT WAS. NOW SHUT UP BEFORE YOU MISS SOMETHING."

* * *

><p>Your name is John Egbert and this is pretty good? You aren't really sure you follow it, exactly? It's pretty complicated.<p>

You aren't sure you really like Light. He's the main character! He's meant to be heroic and stuff! But he keeps killing people. You think maybe L is meant to be the hero? But he doesn't seem very nice either.

Man, antiheroes are confusing.

You do get why Karkat wanted to watch it though! You aren't stupid! L and Light have this weird obsessive rivalry thing and that's meant to be a kismesis, right? Well, in the troll version at least. You guess that maybe won't happen in the Earth version. But you can never tell in the animes!

* * *

><p>"hahahaha!"<p>

"HA HA HA."

"karkat? are you really laughing? not sarcastically?"

"OH SHUT UP. THAT LINE IS PURE COMEDY GOLD."

"i'll take this potato chip..."

"AND EAT IT!"

* * *

><p>Your name is John Egbert and you think you really like this show! Okay, maybe some of the funny parts don't seem very intentional, and everything is really, really complicated! But you're having fun with your buddy and everything is cool.<p>

These guys sure seem a little obsessed with each other! You can't believe L planted cameras in Lights bedroom! Creepy. But Light knew they were there, so perhaps it wasn't so bad?

You think you might see what Karkat means about them being in hate? You sure don't think it's normal for detectives to act like that about a suspect. And they haven't even met each other face to face yet!

...

Oh man, is that L? They're in the same room!

* * *

><p>"OKAY, WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THAT RED AND BLUE SHIT?"<p>

"isn't it in the original?"

"NO IT FUCKING ISN'T."

"quiet! i can't hear!"

"I BLAME CAPTOR FOR THIS. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TRY AND CREATE A CULTURE WITH OBSESSIVE DOUCHEBAGS WHO HAVE TERRIBLE TASTE IN CINEMA."

"shh!"

* * *

><p>Your name is John Egbert and you think you're following this.<p>

So Light and L keep thinking about each other a lot and they kind of went on some dates? Except they're definitely trying to beat each other. So you think that's blackrom?

But now there's this girl Misa who also has a Death Note! She wants to date Light so you think that's redrom? But he doesn't seem very interested in her so maybe not.

Man, this troll romance stuff is exhausting! Especially when you also have to keep following all of the tricks those two keep pulling on each other. Light and L must be really smart to think of all that stuff!

* * *

><p>"umm..."<p>

"WHAT IS IT EGBERT?"

"why is l locking light up? i thought they were, um, hate-dating!"

"THE HISTORY BOOKS WILL RECORD THIS DAY: EGBERT FINALLY NOTICED SOME PERFECTLY OBVIOUS BLACKFLIRTING."

"i mean i kind of get why they locked up misa? but that was really creepy! and now light's in a cell?"

"VOLUNTARILY."

"but..."

"IT'S ALL SYMBOLIC OF THEIR DYNAMIC, OKAY? L IS TRYING TO CONTAIN LIGHT BY PROVING THAT HE IS KIRA. BUT LIGHT VOLUNTEERED TO BE IMPRISONED, THEREBY PROVING THAT HE ISN'T KIRA."

"but he is!"

"THE POINT IS, NEITHER OF THEM CAN PROVE ANYTHING BECAUSE THEY CONSTANTLY OUTSMART EACH OTHER. THEY BOTH WANT TO WIN, BUT THEY AREN'T SURE THEY CAN. EVEN THOUGH LIGHT IS IN PRISON, HE STILL HAS CONTROL OF THE SITUATION – BUT L COULD RUIN HIS PLANS IF HE MAKES THE RIGHT MOVE."

"but won't the show be really boring if light is in jail? even if he volunteered?"

"EGBERT. THIS IS LIGHT FUCKING YAGAMI. OF COURSE HE HAS A PLAN."

* * *

><p>Your name is John Egbert and you understand jack shit.<p>

So now Light and Misa proved they were innocent? And they lost all their memories of the Death Notes? Plus now there's a new Kira?

The romantic stuff is definitely easier to follow now. Light and L are chained together all the time, and they flirt and fight! Yes, that's one hundred percent definitely a kismesis going on.

"I HATE THIS PART."

"what? why?"

"THEY'RE PRACTICALLY FLUSHED FOR EACH OTHER. WHEN LIGHT LOSES HIS KIRA MEMORIES, THE WHOLE RELATIONSHIP STARTS VEERING OUT OF QUADRANT. NO. JUST... NO."

Your name is John Egbert, and you really don't get this at all.

* * *

><p>"he killed l!"<p>

"YES, EGBERT, THAT IS PRECISELY WHAT JUST HAPPENED. CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR ABILITY TO RECOGNISE VISUAL IMAGES."

"but... he won! i thought l was going to win!"

"THE ENTIRE PURPOSE OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS THAT EITHER COULD HAVE WON AT ANY POINT. THEY WERE EVENLY MATCHED."

"but l was the good guy! well... kind of. wasn't he?"

"YOUR COMPLETE FAILURE TO GRASP UNDERLYING MORAL THEMES LESS COMPLICATED THAN THE MOST NAÏVE WRIGGLERS' UNDERSTANDING OF THE WORLD IS AN UNENDING SOURCE OF AMUSEMENT AND DISGUST FOR ME."

"i just can't believe it ended like that!"

"ENDED?"

"well... l died!"

"THERE'S STILL ANOTHER BOX TO GO. WE'RE NOT DONE YET."

"karkat! i haven't eaten anything but popcorn since ten am! i'm starving!"

"OKAY, WE CAN TAKE A FOOD BREAK FOR HALF AN HOUR. BUT YOU AREN'T SLEEPING UNTIL WE'VE FINISHED THIS THING."

* * *

><p>Your name is John Egbert and...<p>

You know what? You're too tired to watch and narrate at the same time. You need to focus on all these plots.

* * *

><p>"SO WHAT DID YOU THINK?"<p>

"hugggnn..."

"OKAY, WEAKLING, YOU CAN SLEEP NOW."

* * *

><p>Your name is John Egbert and you're still pretty sleepy. But you really enjoyed Death Note! Even if you got a bit confused near the end from being so sleepy.<p>

"SO WHAT DID YOU THINK?"

"it was great! so... is that what a kismesis is meant to be like?"

Karkat hits his head against the kitchen table. That must have hurt!

"EGBERT, 'THAT' IS THE SINGLE MOST BRILLIANT EXAMPLE OF HOW TO GET THE CALIGINOUS QUADRANT COMPLETELY WRONG."

"it is? i thought you said it was a classic?"

"DID THAT LOOK HEALTHY TO YOU?"

"well, no, but -"

"JUST LOOK AT LIGHT. HE'S SO FOCUSSED ON HIS SPADES THAT HE COMPLETELY IGNORES ALL OF HIS OTHER QUADRANT PROSPECTS -"

"you mean misa? and, um, takada?"

"YES, HIS FLUSHED PROSPECTS, AND HIS PALE FLIRTATION WITH RYUK."

"that was moirallegiance?"

"YES, THAT IS STILL A QUADRANT THAT EXISTS."

"but i thought a moirail would have stopped him from killing all those people."

"... OKAY. THAT ONE WAS ALWAYS CONSIDERED DEBATEABLE. BUT BOTH OF THEM TOTALLY IGNORE THE TASKFORCE'S VARIOUS ATTEMPTS TO AUSPISTICISE, IN SPITE OF THE FACT THAT THEY NEVER REALLY ACKNOWLEDGED THEIR KISMESISITUDE EITHER."

"um, karkat, humans -"

"THEY NEEDED TO PAIL! OR THAT STRANGE HUMAN REPRODUCTIVE EQUIVALENT. BUT INSTEAD THEY GOT CAUGHT UP IN THE PLOTS AND OUTTHINKING EACH OTHER AND NEVER REALLY ADMITTED THEIR HATRED TO EACH OTHER. AND THEN, WORST OF ALL, L KILLED LIGHT!"

"i thought kismeses were supposed to -"

"YOU DON'T KILL YOUR KISMESIS! THAT'S SUCH A FUCKING WRIGGLER MISTAKE. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WANT TO, BUT YOU DON'T ACTUALLY DO IT BECAUSE THEN YOU DON'T HAVE A KISMESIS ANY MORE!"

Karkat takes a break to breathe. He's sure gone red! You guess he really cares a lot about this kind of thing.

"LIGHT SHOULD HAVE JUST PAILED THE GUY, BUT INSTEAD HE SPENT THE REST OF THE FILM MISSING L AND WISHING HE HAD HIM BACK. HE EVEN TRIED TO START SOME STUPID BLACK FLIRTATION WITH NEAR -"

"but near only really cared about mello!"

"BUT – YEAH. FINALLY, EGBERT, SOMETHING IS GETTING THROUGH TO YOU. SO IN THE END, LIGHT LOSES JUST AS MUCH AS L DID. THEY BOTH DIE FROM EACH OTHERS SCHEMES, AT EACH OTHER'S FEET EVEN – AND EVEN THOUGH, IN A WAY, THAT'S HOW THEY WANTED IT TO GO, IT'S A TRAGEDY THAT THEIR HATRED WAS CUT SHORT IN ITS PRIME."

You aren't really sure you understood any of that.

"wow! i'm not sure i really understood all of that!"

Karkat looks at you like he isn't sure whether to punch you or burst into tears. You are the friend, it is you.

"maybe... you could talk me through it next time we watch it?"

Karkat sighs and glares at you, but the sad look is gone.

"I HOPE YOU REALISE YOUR UNIQUE PRIVELEGE IN HAVING THE SURVIVING UNIVERSE'S EXPERT HERE TO SHOVE THESE ENORMOUS CONCEPTS THROUGH YOUR TINY HUMAN THINKPAN."

Your name is John Egbert, and, um, you kind of do.


	3. Glee

For anyone concerned about spoilers or confused over the continuity: this chapter deals only with Glee Season 1.

This is the last of the Earth Human Kismesis for now, but only because I don't know what to write about next. If you have any suggestions, please leave me a comment!

* * *

><p>Your name is Karkat Vantas and the mail just arrived.<p>

You flip through it – more of the endless nonsense humans seem to spew through every available mail delivery incision. You're about to dump the lot of them when you come across one of the monochromatic packages which signal that the irritating garbage within is from a douchebag you happen to know.

Red envelope. Looks like Egbert's got another note from Strider – you'll have to let him know when he finally drags his ass out of his room, which will probably be mid-afternoon sometime.

Wait, no. The envelope isn't addressed to Egbert – the name is Vantas. Just Vantas.

You rip it open.

sup

so i heard you and egbert were having some shitty hate love 101 film fest

enjoy

-tg

There's half a dozen discs in the envelope. Each one is blank except for a red number – the order, you guess. What is noticeably lacking from all of this is any indication of what the discs contain.

You suddenly remember that 'hilarious' video Egbert send you three months ago which you are quite certain nearly caused your blood pusher to explode. You're prepared to bet it was Strider who introduced him to the idea of 'screamers.' Even if this isn't some equally humour filled prank idea, what Strider knows about black romance couldn't fill a pail. You know one thing for sure: you are not showing this to Egbert until you've checked it out on your own.

Might as well get this over with now, while Egbert's still hopping dream bubbles. You shove disc one into the player and glare your way through the commercials. Even though your day has just been ruined by an idiot five states away, you try not to swear loud enough to wake up Egbert – but you can't hold back one question when the menu finally loads.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS 'GLEE'?"

* * *

><p>Your name is John Egbert and you just woke up.<p>

Woah! It's ten o'clock already. You overslept!

Well, you guess since it's the weekend you can sleep in, but normally you don't get to! Karkat doesn't sleep that well, so he wakes up really early. He always talks to himself, so he wakes you up too.

But today he didn't?

"karkat?"

Man, you hope he's okay. He's not in his room, he's not in the kitchen... please be okay, Karkat!

"DON'T COME IN HERE!"

He's fine.

You just manage to catch a glimpse of the screen before Karkat jumps up and slams the door in your face. You don't see what he's watching, and he must have the volume turned right down because you can't hear a thing either.

"what's going on?"

Karkat comes out of the living room and shuts the door behind him.

* * *

><p>"I AM GRANTING YOU FIVE MINUTES OF MY PRECIOUS TIME TO REASSURE YOU THAT I AM PERFECTLY FINE AND IN NO WAY REQUIRE CONSTANT IRRITATING QUESTIONS ABOUT WHAT I AM DOING. IN FACT, I AM THE ONE WHO REQUIRES ANSWERS. PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME THE INEXCUSABLE MESS WHICH IS THE HUMAN SYSTEM OF SCHOOLFEEDING."<p>

"well, everyone goes to school together. and grown ups called teachers tell them about different subjects, like i guess history and english and maths and stuff? and older kids go to different schools –"

"IS IT COMMONLY MUSICAL?"

"...not really? i mean there might be a choir or band or something..."

"I SEE. WHERE IN THIS PROCESS DO THE CHEERLEADERS BELONG?"

"well, at high school, for teenagers – uh, older kids? – you can do different clubs and things, like band, and lots of girls want to be cheerleaders i guess? and they tell the sports teams how good they are? and they're meant to be really pretty and popular and also kinda mean..."

"WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THE ITEM KNOWN AS THE CELIBACY CLUB?"

"well i guess its kind of silly but some places teenagers promise not to have sex – you know, uh –"

"DO NOT TRY AND EXPLAIN WHAT THAT MEANS. I ALREADY KNOW AND YOU'VE WASTED THREE MINUTES SO FAR WITHOUT THE NONSENSICAL STUTTERING."

"well, they promise not to. i guess so they won't get pregnant?"

"WHAT IS –"

"you know, uh, where human females, uh, wrigglers, i guess, um –"

"NEVER MIND. I CAN TELL FROM YOUR INEXPLICABLE EMBARRASSMENT THIS IS A BIOLOGICAL TOPIC, AND I ALREADY RECALL THE UNENDING REVULSION I FEEL AT YOUR SPECIES PATHETIC ATTEMPTS AT REPRODUCTION. NOW, EGBERT, I HAVE ONE FINAL QUESTION. THIS IS IMPORTANT. TRY NOT TO SCREW IT UP."

"yes?"

"WHAT IS AN EARTH SLUSHIE?"

"oh man, i can't believe you never had a slushie! you have to come try one, come on –"

"TOO LATE. TIME IS UP, EGBERT. IF IT'S THAT IMPORTANT, GO AND GET ME ONE. I HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO BE DOING."

"but, wait! karkat! what's going on?"

"DON'T LOOK AT ME, THIS IS ALL THANKS TO _YOUR_ FRIEND."

* * *

><p>ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]<p>

TG: sup

EB: sup!

TG: egbert no

TG: we talked about this

TG: you must be this cool or above to use that word

TG: sorry sonny jim

TG: come back in a few years when youve grown a little

TG: finally developed decent taste in movies

TG: ...

TG: egbert

TG: this is the part where you insult me back

TG: you know

TG: conversation

EB: sorry, i zoned out a little!

EB: do 7 eleven still sell slushies?

TG: how the fuck would i know

TG: also

TG: what

EB: anyway, i wanted to ask you something!

TG: you really dont need to tell me that

TG: i mean we only spoke yesterday

TG: i kinda figured something like that was occurring

TG: its pretty much why im was invented

TG: way back in the dawn of time

TG: some caveman just wondering what his cavebro wanted to grab for dinner

TG: and lo and behold

TG: pesterchum was born

EB: shut up and let me talk!

TG: you do realise you can actually type while im typing

EB: karkat is acting really weird!

EB: he said it was something to do with you?

EB: well actually he just said it was one of my friends, but if it was one of the girls his insults are normally more specific!

TG: nice

TG: i dont even get specific insults

TG: i see what your unspecified alien relationship thinks of me

EB: we're roommates!

EB: that isn't unspecified!

EB: so do you know what he meant?

TG: yeah okay i sent him something

TG: hes probably so taken aback by the sheer brilliance of audiovisual input from this actual decade hes gone into culture shock

EB: oh! he must be doing a marathon.

EB: it's just he was asking me all these weird questions...

EB: what did you send him?

TG: glee

EB: that show with all the singing?

EB: haha!

EB: brilliant prank, man!

EB: very ironic. :B

TG: dude

TG: there is nothing ironic about show choir

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

* * *

><p>Your name is Karkat Vantas and you think you might actually love this show.<p>

How the fuck did a human come up with it? This is brilliant. A group of mutants and lowbloods – well, the human equivalent anyway – banding together to overcome the society which is victimising them through the power of music!

You can't even claim it as an Alternian knockoff. If anything even remotely like this so much as crossed the mind of a troll, that troll would have been culled for inciting rebellion. But on Earth, the lowbloods are heroes for triumphing over their tormentors.

And then there's the romance. Admittedly, everyone seems to be swapping matesprits like there's a sale on buckets, but hey, that happens. Look at Sgru- well, no, it's best not to, but it happens. Besides, it isn't just flushed action – there's a few tentative pale flirtations, the occasional black interaction. Light on the ashen, but they're too young to appreciate it.

Well, except for that schoolfeeder. And... well. At first you didn't think he was much hope. His red relations were a shambles. But...

Gog dammit, the schoolfeeder and the cheerleading coach have the most beautifully built up black relationship you've ever seen.

Fuck. You cannot believe Strider, of all people, introduced you to this.

* * *

><p>"come on, karkat, you need to eat something!"<p>

"OKAY, TEN MINUTES, I- WHAT IN THE TWO MOONS IS THAT?"

"it's a slushie!"

"...FUCK, IT'S FREEZING!"

"you're meant to drink it, not stick your finger in it!"

"WHY IS IT THAT COLOUR?"

"because it's raspberry flavour!"

"TEREZI HAS A LOT TO ANSWER FOR..."

"no, slow down, you'll-"

"OW, OW, FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? JEGUS, I THINK MY THINKPAN JUST ATOMISED AND CONDENSED UPSIDE DOWN IN MY SKULL..."

"brain freeze! i told you to slow down! don't worry, everyone gets it the first time."

"THIS IS A STANDARD REACTION? WHAT KIND OF SADISTIC BEVERAGE IS THIS?"

"oh, cheer up! are you enjoying the show?"

"I'LL SAY THIS FOR YOUR PLANET: IT ISN'T AS BAD AS I THOUGHT."

"uh... thanks?"

"NO, SERIOUSLY. I APOLOGISE UNRESERVEDLY TO YOUR SPECIES. CLEARLY IT'S JUST YOU WHO HAS NO FUCKING CLUE."

* * *

><p>Your name is Karkat Vantas and this has to be the best show Earth ever produced.<p>

You've watched nearly all of the discs now. You've seen all of Rachel and Finn's vascillations – although quite frankly you don't see why she's choosing him over her clear black attraction to Quinn. You watched Artie and Tina's weird red-pale quadrant flipping. You've seen how Kurt and Mercedes' young moirallegiance helped him accept his human homosexuality.

Actually, that bit made you realise what an idiot past you was for blaming Egbert for that nonsense. Clearly, the whole thing is basically treated like a mutation – which is still the stupidest thing you've ever heard, but you've already accepted that this planet turned out amazingly sane considering its creators. Perhaps you shouldn't just have gotten so mad, especially considering how you just blurted it out on Pesterchum...

But you're onto the last of Strider's discs now, and the final competition is coming up. Just a couple of episodes left to go.

You can't wait to see them win.

* * *

><p>turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]<p>

TG: sup again bro

TG: whats all the fuss about

EB: dave! you're back!

EB: i've been trying to talk to you all afternoon!

EB: where did you disappear off to?

TG: sorry had my phone off

TG: whats up

EB: karkat is still watching glee!

EB: he seems really into it.

TG: whats happening now

TG: in the show i mean

Your name is John Egbert and you can only see a crack of the TV screen through the door.

You push it open quietly. There's a man and a woman stood close by each other. It looks like they might be about to kiss...

No, the woman pushed him away. It's pretty funny! You have to try not to laugh. Over on the couch, you hear a... did Karkat just groan?

You move away from the door. Fast.

EB: two people just nearly kissed?

TG: good

EB: not good! karkat seems... really into it.

TG: yeah

EB: i don't think you understand what i mean.

TG: no i do

TG: i mean i guess hes reacting like rezi did

TG: that was kind of the point

EB: the point?

TG: dude

TG: look outside

Oh my god Dave is on your lawn!

You run outside to say high to him, but he won't come indoors with you.

"nah vantas is near the end dont disturb him just yet."

You talk on the porch instead, even though it's getting pretty dark out here now. You don't care! You're just so excited that your best bro has come to visit.

He keeps checking his watch though, and after a while he says:

"okay time to go inside now just keep that hyperactivity at minimum volume kay."

"why now?"

You try your hardest to stay quiet, but Dave has always been the best at low volume.

"look bro i got a confession to make. this is for you."

He flips you something. You catch it on a reflex and look down. It's a hotel key – you know the place, it's not far from here.

"you can stay here if you want –"

He shakes his head.

"no i said for you i mean i know youre taking lessons but im talking advanced study here and you are not ready for that shit just yet young padawan."

"...what?"

For the first time, Dave stops fidgeting and looks at you.

"i hate your fairy god troll."

"karkat? i know you two argue, but –"

"no man listen to me."

He looks at you over the top of his glasses.

"i _hate_ your fairy god troll."

Um.

What.

* * *

><p>Your name is Karkat Vantas and you'd better take over the narration since John is so shocked by what Dave just said.<p>

Wait, what? Strider? He's nowhere near here. You think you heard Egbert go outside by now, but he's probably just taking the rubbish out.

You don't really care considering what just happened.

You don't believe it.

Mr Schue faked a red quadrant flip in order to blackflirt. No troll would ever even think of that! And then when they went black again, Sue turned a rejection into the hottest bit of black flirting you've ever seen.

And now she's the judge of their competition.

They have to win. Gog damnit, they've come so far. They're stood on that stage and...

What.

No.

How the fuck could they lose? This is their grubbing show! Sue must have cheated –

Oh. She didn't. She voted for them? Of course, because she knows better than to let her blackrom interfere with other people. You should have seen it – these two are better than that.

You aren't sure you can take it. These two are just too perfect and – fuck it, Strider had to know what this show would do to you.

Wait. What. She saved him. She stepped in and gave them another year, because...

You don't kill your kismesis.

Damn if that isn't the hottest thing you've ever seen.

You can't stand it any more.

"DAVE STRIDER IS THE MOST ARROGANT, INSUFFERABLE DOUCHEBAG TO EVER –"

"sup."

* * *

><p>Your name is John Egbert, because Karkat is now busy. Except, um, you'd really rather not be John Egbert right now, because John Egbert is watching his roommate stick his tongue in his best friend's mouth.<p>

Uh...

Suddenly, that hotel key seems like a really good idea. You head for the door. You don't think they'll mind.

Someone throws something at you. It's... a red envelope? And there are some discs inside?

"WATCH IT AND LEARN, EGBERT."

"i will!"

You get out of there fast, before your black-rom lessons get too close for comfort.


End file.
